Don’t Ignore This Loneliness Thing

ImageHere’s the bad news.

 

My loneliness isn’t a temporary thing.

 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I know right? This is NOT what you are supposed to say to a depressed post-break-up-ee. You’re supposed to point at the hope on the horizon, the silver linings. You’re supposed to say: “Hey, get out of your pajama’s and stop being lonely! Come hang out!”

 

But here’s the deal. It’s been over six months since Jay and I broke up.

 

I’ve traded the pajama’s for party dresses, I’ve kept bust with school work. I’ve read multiple books on unrelated subjects to keep my mind off him, I’ve eaten barrels full of ice cream with my girl friends, I’ve filled any spare moment with Netflix and Youtube.

 

And yes, that’s a part of the break up blues. And it’s very true that you have to not allow yourself to slip into full depression mode. You DO need to go out and be with friends, even make new friends. You DO need to go to class and work to keep your grades up. Life DOES have to go on.

 

But I’ve had my life keep going on for several months now…and I still have this lonely pit in my stomach.

 

Sometimes I don’t notice it for days or even weeks at a time. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Because out of nowhere it will bubble to the service.

 

There will be a weekend I don’t have any plans. A moment before I fall asleep. A few minutes driving alone in my car. And then it hits me.

 

How really alone I am.

 

There is only so much best friends can give you. Only so much a loving parent can do. Only so much. I’ve been realizing lately what an insatiable thirst I have for love, for being cherished. I want someone to care about my opinions on little things. Someone to be there and appreciate my thoughts, my actions, my dreams. But no one can be there and actually be that obsessed with me full time.

 

And let’s be honest, if someone was, they would be considered a creepy, clingy, stalker.

 

But I still feel just so insignificant sometimes. Everyone’s sympathies with me only go so far, and at the end I’m just left to take care of me….I miss Jay being there. We could call and talk for hours. He’s actually the only person who I could ever talk myself out with. We would just keep going until we had nothing else to say, which would take three to four hours.

 

Someone had SEEN me. HEARD me.

 

But now I almost never feel seen or heard…

 

And this lonely feeling isn’t going to go away.

 

Friends, relationships, Youtube, junk food, are all just distraction from like Loneliness. We are always Lonely without God. And if we are living in a way where we are not putting our relationship with Him first then we will always have to come face to face with that Loneliness.

 

Loneliness is our creepy, clingy, stalker.

 

And sooner or later we keep bumping up against it, because it’s always there, hovering over our shoulder. And distractions can’t last forever. You can’t procrastinate your way out of dealing with these issues, no matter how much Netflix you watch or how happy your friend or boyfriend make you.

 

Cause eventually those things or people won’t be there, and you’ll be stuck with that Loneliness.

 

Unless that spot where Loneliness buries itself in our hearts is taken up by our relationship with God. All of these other things are temporal, and won’t last into eternity. The only way we won’t be eternally Lonely is if we’re with God, because He’s the only thing that will last.

 

Yes, there is a natural loneliness that happens at different times in our lives. But I do believe these small “l” loneliness’s are symptoms of the big “L” Loneliness.

 

In the end, isn’t loneliness just a symptom of having tried to make a home in a temporary land?

 

The ultimate solution isn’t McDonald’s, TV, BFFs, or anything else of this world. We need to come before God. The only eternal Being. And deepen our relationship with Him. I often pray for God to specifically bring me closer to Him.

 

To help me rely on Him relationally and emotionally.

 

—“So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please Him.” – 2 Corinthians 5:6-9.

 

—Lord, when I feel this sense of longing, this unfulfilled desire for love and acknowledgment in myself, please help me to remember that the object I am longing for is You. Not Jay, not anyone or anything else. Deep down it’s a longing of my spirit to be at home with You. Give me the courage to abandon these temporary distractions, to make my home be with You, and to aim to please You.

 

Amen.

 

Till next time,

 

Em.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Five Stages of Grief: De’Nile Ain’t Just a River in Egypt

Okay: honesty time.

It’s been a few months since my boyfriend and I broke up.

I know, I know, that means this isn’t a “real time” blog about my break up experience. That means there will be some parts of this that are retrospective. But that’s a good thing!

Otherwise you would have gotten about two straight months of “Why me??” posts.

So really, you lucked out on this one.

I’m probably around stage two and three of the Stages of Grief (also known as the The Kubler-Ross model) but tonight I am going to take a blast from the past and discuss my “Blue Period.”

I haven’t told you the story of Jay and I’s break up yet, but let me say, once it was over, my heart was more broken than I can even write about. All I can say, is that if you’ve experienced this same heart-wrenching, empty-pit-in-your-chest, cry-until-you-run-out-of-tears experience then I’m right there with you.
If you haven’t, then I pray you never do.

It didn’t help that I was hundred of miles away from my mom, who was the only person I wanted to talk to, but I was lucky and had some good friends around me.

But even though they were there, they couldn’t 100% empathize with me.

They got to walk away.

I’d just had my entire future taken away from me. I had been planning to marry Jay. We had pre-named our children. I’d just had my other half shattered. He was the first person I wanted to talk to in the morning, and the last person I wanted to say goodnight to. He was the person I told everything.

 No one else really knew my heart.

I felt so isolated from everyone. I just kept telling my friends: “It doesn’t feel like it happened. I don’t even believe it.” That sorta became my catch phrase for a few weeks.

Through it all, I ended up coming back to certain Bible verses:

“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” – John 14:27.


Literally every morning the first several weeks after our break up, I would pray this verse. Asking God to give me His supernatural peace. Because without it, I would fall apart. I’d ask God to keep my heart from being troubled, and to help me not be afraid of being alone.

No, this didn’t mean I had no pain, or I was suddenly able to deal with everything in “Leave It To Beaver” clarity. But I did experience minutes, hours, and eventually days where I could feel God lifting me up above the waves of my emotions so I could take a breath.

“I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.”- Philippians 3:8.

I was convicted to ask: where had I been storing my true treasure? Was my hope, my self-worth, my joy, my comfort, my safety, being put in Jay? Or Christ? Compared to the eternal love of Jesus, wasn’t it worth letting go of Jay to fully embrace this higher relationship?

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

This was a tough one. REJOICE? I felt like being sad forever, and like nothing was wrong, all at the same time. And sorrow and numbness don’t really lead to rejoicing.

Ultimately, however, I focused on praying. Praying every time I thought of Jay, and every morning when I woke up sad. I asked the Lord for His joy, based on who HE is and not my circumstances. And whether I felt like I got it or not, I gave thanks for all of the blessing He gave me daily.

One last thing for this post:

An important part of that verse from 1 Thessalonians is the last half. “THIS is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” I struggled for a long time before the break up, and then afterwards, about whether it was God’s will for Jay and I to break up.

Now there are different views on this, but I have come to believe that God’s will is not a tight rope. If we are honestly seeking Him and loving Him, then we will be within His will. In the end, He wants our hearts. I realized that as long as I was looking to walk in the Spirit, He would guide me.

And just because it was hard, doesn’t mean it was wrong. And just because I still loved Jay, doesn’t mean I should have stayed with him.

And just because I was in despair and denial after it was over, didn’t mean my life was over. It didn’t mean God wasn’t there, or that I will never be loved again.

If you, or anyone you know, is in this stage, just remind them there is hope! This numb stage was temporary. It was also a great chance to draw close to God, to discover what it truly means to rely on Him for emotional comfort.

Don’t get me wrong. It felt like this was the trenches. There’s no 5 Step Cure where you can passively and magically get through it. This is a time to roll up the sleeves, and get growing.

I’m sure I’ll have more to say on this subject at some point, but until then, that’s it for tonight! Please leave a comment if you think of it, especially if you end up having any questions or things you’d like me to discuss.

Till next time,

Em.

Leave a comment

Filed under Five Stages of Grief

We Were Not Soulmates (Part 1)

 

 

Here is a bit of a reflection on my ex-boyfriend and I’s relationship:

It wasn’t meant to be.
We grew up together in the same small town until I was about twelve years old and he was fourteen. Our families were close friends, so we were always over at each others’ houses. He taught me how to play Donkey Kong on his video game system, and we would have toy “war” games at my house where he would face off his G. I. Joe’s against my stuffed animals. One time, when we were a bit younger, I convinced him I was a werewolf and made him bring me snacks all day so that I wouldn’t eat him. 

Basically, I was in love.

Then he moved.

Then, about six years later, he moved back.
It was summer time and he was going into his first year of college in the fall (he had been held back a year in his grade because his parents wanted him to be a star on the basketball team…which he was) and I was going into my senior year of high school. 

For the sake of not referring to this guy as only “him” I will now call him: Jay.

Anyway, so Jay and I started hanging out, yadayadayada, laughing about our child hood friendship, and then BOOM. We liked each other. We would take long car rides, just talking and singing along with our own burned CD mixes. We binge watched SNL and then recited lines back and forth. We wrote our names on park property, and baked cookies.

But here’s the thing, I think maybe deep down I knew we weren’t right for each other. 

One day we went to an aquarium. We were laughing and joking around, and then I accidently stepped down on the back of his shoe, scraping his heel. Jay yelped, and I said sorry, but then he turn around and stepped down to scrape the back of my heel. Which hurt.

I knew that wasn’t good character, but I didn’t say anything…

Later that summer he basically told me he was going to date other girls when he went to college. Which hurt. 

But as the fall came around and Jay went to college a few hours away, we kept in touch. In fact, we talked all the time and I visited him and he visited me. By Christmas time we were officially dating, and I thought he was the greatest thing ever.

And he kinda was. He was a leading Christian on his campus, already an assistant in a Bible study, he played basketball for his college and he made friends quickly and easily. To be honest, I was getting senioritis and he was the cure. I preferred him to most of my friends in high school, and loved the chances to get out of my small hometown and visit his campus.

By the next summer we were really emotionally close. We talked about our relationships with God almost all of the time, and our hopes and plans for the future. Jay liked to talk about us getting married, even.

That summer we had our first kiss. (I know, it had been awhile, but long distance and pesky parents and friends will do that to you.)

Except, it wasn’t the first kiss I had hoped for.

We were sitting in his car on the side of a quiet street. He leaned in to kiss me. And I told him no.

I’m not even sure why, but I just didn’t want to have our first kiss that night, in that place. We talked a few more minutes and he moved in to kiss me again. I said no again. We talked a bit more.

And then Jay kissed me.

It happened to fast I wasn’t able to stop him. And once he kissed me I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, cause I didn’t want to ruin our first kiss….and then we were making out. OK, this isn’t going to get sketchy! But it’s important to note that, because I hadn’t wanted our first kiss that night. he took it. And then he took it to another level that I also hadn’t wanted.

But again, I wasn’t going to ruin our first kiss. Ruin the memory, forever? I figured it wasn’t worth it. And figured it wasn’t a big deal. So I let it happen. 

But I couldn’t stop that voice in the back of my head that whispered: do you really want to be with someone like this?

Really, I should have listened to that instinct in that moment instead of over three years later.

Anyway, this is way too long already, so I’ll stop for now. If you’re out there, have a great day!

Till next time,

Em.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

I Promise I’m Not Ranting…

I promise I’m not a crazy person.

Yes, this blog is going to be about me working through some stuff from my recent break up with an amazing, funny, sweet guy…and no, I’m not the one who got dumped.

And no, I’m not a twelve year old girl. I’m in college.

And no, I’m not one of those super dramatic college girls who posts every waking thought on Facebook.

Wow, you are judgy.

Anyway, getting back to the lack of my ranting. In a nut shell, the purpose of this thing is really just to give me a place to process. Also, there are basically no good “Christian break up solution” books or articles out there (believe me, I’ve looked). And I actually want this process to bring me closer to God, rather than a tub of chocolate ice cream and random stranger sex the way lots of these other articles seem to be pointing me towards. So really, we’ll see how this goes.

Till next time,

Me.

1 Comment

Filed under Introduction