My loneliness isn’t a temporary thing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I know right? This is NOT what you are supposed to say to a depressed post-break-up-ee. You’re supposed to point at the hope on the horizon, the silver linings. You’re supposed to say: “Hey, get out of your pajama’s and stop being lonely! Come hang out!”
But here’s the deal. It’s been over six months since Jay and I broke up.
I’ve traded the pajama’s for party dresses, I’ve kept bust with school work. I’ve read multiple books on unrelated subjects to keep my mind off him, I’ve eaten barrels full of ice cream with my girl friends, I’ve filled any spare moment with Netflix and Youtube.
And yes, that’s a part of the break up blues. And it’s very true that you have to not allow yourself to slip into full depression mode. You DO need to go out and be with friends, even make new friends. You DO need to go to class and work to keep your grades up. Life DOES have to go on.
But I’ve had my life keep going on for several months now…and I still have this lonely pit in my stomach.
Sometimes I don’t notice it for days or even weeks at a time. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Because out of nowhere it will bubble to the service.
There will be a weekend I don’t have any plans. A moment before I fall asleep. A few minutes driving alone in my car. And then it hits me.
How really alone I am.
There is only so much best friends can give you. Only so much a loving parent can do. Only so much. I’ve been realizing lately what an insatiable thirst I have for love, for being cherished. I want someone to care about my opinions on little things. Someone to be there and appreciate my thoughts, my actions, my dreams. But no one can be there and actually be that obsessed with me full time.
And let’s be honest, if someone was, they would be considered a creepy, clingy, stalker.
But I still feel just so insignificant sometimes. Everyone’s sympathies with me only go so far, and at the end I’m just left to take care of me….I miss Jay being there. We could call and talk for hours. He’s actually the only person who I could ever talk myself out with. We would just keep going until we had nothing else to say, which would take three to four hours.
Someone had SEEN me. HEARD me.
But now I almost never feel seen or heard…
And this lonely feeling isn’t going to go away.
Friends, relationships, Youtube, junk food, are all just distraction from like Loneliness. We are always Lonely without God. And if we are living in a way where we are not putting our relationship with Him first then we will always have to come face to face with that Loneliness.
Loneliness is our creepy, clingy, stalker.
And sooner or later we keep bumping up against it, because it’s always there, hovering over our shoulder. And distractions can’t last forever. You can’t procrastinate your way out of dealing with these issues, no matter how much Netflix you watch or how happy your friend or boyfriend make you.
Cause eventually those things or people won’t be there, and you’ll be stuck with that Loneliness.
Unless that spot where Loneliness buries itself in our hearts is taken up by our relationship with God. All of these other things are temporal, and won’t last into eternity. The only way we won’t be eternally Lonely is if we’re with God, because He’s the only thing that will last.
Yes, there is a natural loneliness that happens at different times in our lives. But I do believe these small “l” loneliness’s are symptoms of the big “L” Loneliness.
In the end, isn’t loneliness just a symptom of having tried to make a home in a temporary land?
The ultimate solution isn’t McDonald’s, TV, BFFs, or anything else of this world. We need to come before God. The only eternal Being. And deepen our relationship with Him. I often pray for God to specifically bring me closer to Him.
To help me rely on Him relationally and emotionally.
—“So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please Him.” – 2 Corinthians 5:6-9.
—Lord, when I feel this sense of longing, this unfulfilled desire for love and acknowledgment in myself, please help me to remember that the object I am longing for is You. Not Jay, not anyone or anything else. Deep down it’s a longing of my spirit to be at home with You. Give me the courage to abandon these temporary distractions, to make my home be with You, and to aim to please You.
Till next time,